Stephen’s Breakfast Prophecies Are Coming True

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HERE’S THE THING.
I HAVE HAVE BEEN DOING THESE
SHOWS FOR EIGHT WEEKS, HAVE I
BEEN GIVING IT MY ALL T SAY
LABOR OF LOVE BUT I DO IT FOR
YOU.
BUT I HAVE JUST LEARNED
SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME WONDER
IF YOU ARE LISTENING.
BECAUSE A FEW WEEKS AGO I GAVE A
VERY CLEAR WARNING ABOUT WHAT
WOULD HAPPEN NOW THAT MCDONALD’S
IS SERVING BREAKFAST ALL DAY
LONG.
>>I JUST FOUND OUT SOMETHING
THAT HAS ROCKED ME TO MY CORE
BECAUSE TODAY FOR THE FIRST
TIME, MCDONALD’S BEGAN SERVING
BREAKFAST ALL DAY LONG.
(APPLAUSE)
AND THE ONLY REASON I EVER GOT
UP BEFORE 10:30 WAS TO MAKE IT
TO THE MCDONALD’S’ BREAKFAST
DEADLINE.
BUT NOW WITH AN EGG McMUFFIN
AVAILABLE AT ANY TIME IT IS
CHAOS.
TEAR UP YOUR HISTORY BOOKS AND
LIVE IN A CAVE.
NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING ANY MORE
>>Stephen: WILL YOU NOTICE,
AND MANY YOU OF LAUGHED WHEN I
SAID THAT, HA HA.
SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE SAID I
OVERREACTED ABOUT ALL-DAY
BREAKFAST.
I EVEN GOT A LOT OF LETTERS, A
LOT OF DIRTY, GREAS-STAINED
LETTERS.
I EVEN GOT A FEW GREAS-STAINED
E-MAILS.
I’M NOT SURE HOW DID YOU THAT.
WELL, LOOKY HERE WHAT I JUST
FOUND.
>>ALL-DAY BREAKFAST AT
MCDONALD’S APPEARS TO BE DOING
MORE HARM THAN GOOD.
>>ONE GROUP THAT IS NOT LOVING
MCDONALD’S ALL-DAY BREAKFAST,
THE WORKERS WITHIN THE BREAKFAST
MENU HAS CAUSED CONFUSION IN
THEIR KITCHENS AND CAUSED ORDERS
TO BE FILLED SLOWER AND ANGERING
CUSTOMERS WHO DON’T WANT TO
WAIT.
>>SOME FRANCHISES THE NEW MENU
IS CREATING CHAOS IN THE
KITCHEN.
>>CHAOS IN THE KITCHEN.
>>CHAOS IN THE KITCHEN.
>>Stephen: CHAOS IN THE
KITCHEN.
WHAT DID I SAY!
(LAUGHTER)
LOOK, LOOK, IT GIVES ME NO
PLEASURE TO SAY I WAS RIGHT.
BUT I WILL SAY THIS.
BAH BAH DAH BAH DAH, I TOLD YOU
SO!
I CAN’T BE DOING THIS SHOW EVERY
NIGHT IF I’M GOING TO BE SOME
CASSANDRA WHOSE PROVE EASIES NO
ONE WILL HEED, JEREMIAH DID NOT
SHOUT HIS WARNINGS INTO AN EMPTY
ALTOID CAN AND THEN HURL IT OFF
A VY A DUCT, OKAY.
I DON’T KNOW WHERE NUR DOG COMES
FROM, IT IS NOT LIKE I HAVEN’T
PROVEN MYSELF.
HAVE I BEEN DOING THE SHOW FOR
TWO MONTHS AND HAVE I BEEN RIGHT
ABOUT EVERY SINGLE
BREAKFAST-RELATED ISSUE I
WEIGHED IN.
NEED I REMIND YOU, IT IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY.
BECAUSE IT’S NOT JUST THIS
MCDONALD’S DEBACLE.
THERE WAS A STORY ABOUT
ELIMINATING BACON FROM OUR
FEDERAL PRI SONS.
AND WHAT DID I SAY.
>>I UNDERSTAND THAT PRISON IS
PUNISHMENT BUT LIFE WITHOUT
POSSIBILITY OF PORK IS CRUEL AND
UNUSUAL.
>>WELL, THANK GOD SOMEONE IN
THE GOVERNMENT WAS LISTENING
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO “THE
WASHINGTON POST,” QUOTE, AFTER A
WEEK OF CONTROVERSY, THE
GOVERNMENT DID AN ABOUT-FACE AND
PUT PORK BACK ON THE PRISON BILL
OF FARE.
(APPLAUSE)
YOU SEE WHAT WE CAN ACCOMPLISH
WHEN WE WORK TOGETHER?
BY YOU DOING WHATEVER I SAY.
IT’S CALLED A PARTNERSHIP.
THE POINT IS, BECAUSE OF YOUR
CAVALIER ATTITUDE ABOUT WHEN
EGGS SHOULD BE McMUFED, IF I
CAN SAY THAT ON CBS, MCDONALD’S
HAS DESCENDED INTO A CHAOTIC
ABYSS FROM WHICH IT MAY NEVER
EMERGE.
OBVIOUSLY I WILL STILL GO TO
McDON DOFNLT I LOVE EVERYTHING
ON THE MENU.
BUT WILL YOU DO ME THIS MUCH,
WILL YOU DO THIS FOR ME, PLEASE.
NEXT TIME I WEIGH IN ON SOME
IMPORTANT ISSUE, PAN CAKES
VERSUS WAFFLES, HOW MUCH
CHOCOLATE CAN BE IN A MUFFIN
BEFORE IT’S LEGALLY A CUPCAKE–
(LAUGHTER)
>>PLEASE JUST HAVE THE HUMILITY
TO LISTEN AND WE WON’T HAVE TO
HAVE THIS LITTLE TALK AGAIN.
BECAUSE IF WE’RE GOING TO VAY
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, I NEED TO
KNOW YOU ARE HEARING ME, OKAY.
NOT JUST HEARING ME, BUT HEARING
ME.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS GOOD.
I FEEL BETTER.
BY THE WAY, CANTELOUPE IS A
DUMPSTER FRUIT, NO LETTERS.

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